I do not know about you, but I am intrigued when I see “Relationship status” newly changed on a friend’s profile.
It feeds into my own curiosity and the “need to know” what others are up to-is that relationship happy and fulfilling? have they met the one? did they decide to move on? Sometimes a response is needed, other times I cant quite find the right words.
This made me connect with my own Relationship status and where I find myself at the moment.
Going through my own therapeutic journey has given me an absolutely needed but very uncomfortable opportunity to look at myself in ways that have not always been pleasant.If anything,I have been turned inside out, dissected, put under a microscope and almost “trapped” into starring deep into my soul and my way of being.
Did I pay for this do I hear you ask?
Absolutely!
In fact, I asked for it too!-Go figure!
There are many things to be said about what I have discovered-and if you are reading this as one of my loved ones, you know more than I have space to write about-thank you for bearing with me.
If I was to summarise it in a single line it would be this:
As an adult, I am responsible for my own actions.
For far too long I allowed my past, my childhood and the actions of others to define my present.Constantly looking for blame apportioning and attributing it to those who were unfit to be in my life left me insecure, in victim mode and looking to please at all costs.
I spent most of my life being in a toxic relationship with my own insecurities.
This, in return ensured I allowed others to play with that-I built no boundaries, accepted any crumb of attention and altogether devalued and discarded every bit of me that mattered.
Anxiety rose high (yes, I am now an Anxiety specialist), feelings of not being enough accompanied my Imposter Syndrome, sleepless nights met their best friend Splitting and I found myself in this frightened state, where nothing could keep me safe.
I smile as I remember the first time I found myself a “safe space”-its still there, 4 years later, but it gets used very seldom these days.
I learnt to create and build on the “Safe space” in my mind-and no longer need a physical one.I learnt to trust my own instincts, follow my own flickers of certainty and trust that I am worth it.
Once I actually accepted responsibility-I learnt to value myself.
This does not mean that life is perfect and I never struggle-I am still human.Struggle is part of life-but it should be JUST part, not life itself
And in the meantime, my Relationship Status has changed-No longer in a Toxic Relationship with My own insecurities…
I am now in a …(that’s for another time).
Be kind to yourself,
Ina
