Boundaries, as I see them-are those invisible lines that we draw around ourselves which allow us to feel comfortable with our decisions when it comes to others.I often talk about boundaries as white picket fences rather than big concrete blocks.We may allow others to see what is inside our space, whilst clearly showing that there is a personal boundary there.Healthy boundaries tend to (not always) come from a healthy/secure attachment style in early life, whilst poor boundaries can lead to feeling unworthy, not good enough or even unloved.
Here are 5 signs of poor boundaries (though more can be present)
1.Struggling to make a decision.
This is more about feeling unable to make a decision, rather than simply pondering upon it.Very often, we may feel like we need to be able to offer a reason as to why we decided in a specific way.
2.People pleasing
“Giving in” feels appropriate for this; It sits in a place of wanting to ensure others are happy, at the cost of oneself.We can take on extra jobs, run all sorts of errands, always be present and willing to help regardless what it might be costing us.
3.Resentment towards other people’s boundaries
It can feel hugely unfair to be all and do all for everyone else, especially when this is not reciprocated.Seeing in others things that we may like for ourselves (like good boundaries) can feel frustrating and build up resentment.
4.Fear of rejection
We can often do it all whilst thinking :”If I do not do this, they will leave/think poorly of me/” ;this is experienced at a deep emotional level and can also be seen in personality disorders.
5.No/lost sense of self
Living in the service of others leads to absorbing other people’s needs/wants and even lives ;poor boundaries can lead to feeling lost and unable to connect to self.
If you are struggling with boundaries or any of this sounds familiar, it may be helpful to reflect upon how you are feeling, what you are thinking and ultimately what actions might you be able to take.
And if you need a hand, get in touch to see how we can support you.5 Self forgiveness techniques
